Sunday, 16 October 2011

It's over

I suppose that part of me knew it was probably coming, but part of me was also still trying to make it work.  But as of three weeks ago, my marriage is officially over.  It was not a decision that I made after a great deal of thought, but a decision that I made when my husband walked out.  He dropped of Hammad one night, didn't even come in the house, told Hammad to tell me that he was going back into town.  The only reason he came back and told me himself was that he'd forgotten to give Hammad my dinner, which was still in his car.  The fact that he had the seven year old tell me, and then the fact that I told him that if he walked out and decided to stay in town for the time being that that was the end of the marriage as I was not going to continue as I am done playing the in and out game he'd created over the last few years.  So while he made the decision to leave, I made the decision that he is not coming back.

Quite honestly, I'm done.  I'm just.  So.  Done.

He and I married in 2003, after starting to date in 2002.  We had Hammad in 2004 and Hassaan in 2005.  In February of 2004, he announced to me that two days earlier he'd started a business.  This should have been my first sign that things were not going to go well, but fine.  From the get go, he was not responsible with his business.  He did not do billing appropriately, he did not file taxes (at all) and he was very secretive with his finances from me.  In 2005, shortly after Hassaan was born, for reasons that still don't seem totally sane, he moved into a camper in the driveway saying that it was easier for him to get to his taxi in the middle of the night if someone called for a taxi.  This was an argument until December of 2007 when he (again without my knowledge) started looking at houses out of town, and put in a bid.  He didn't tell me until he needed my signature on some papers.  At that point, I should have kicked has butt to the curb, but I didn't - because as far as I was concerned you don't get divorced unless there is abuse or infidelity.  At the time, I probably should of added "stupid" to that list.

In January of 2008, the boys and I moved to a village 15 minutes from where we were living.  What I had thought at the time turned out not to be what was happening - he did not move with us.  He moved from the trailer into the house in town.  That was January.  In July, he finally moved in with us.  Why?  Because he was arrested on four counts of possession with intent to distribute and one count of proceeds of a crime (the money from selling the four different drugs he was found with).  Now, did I know any of that was going on?  Without a doubt - NO, I did not.  Even though the police have it in the report that "I knew but chose to look the other way."  They obviously do not know me, because those that do know me know that a) I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut with something like that when I'm angry; and b) I would have taken him to the cops myself, if not killed him and denied knowing anything about it.  I am so anti-drug that I don't even have the "legalize marijuana" conversation with people I know that support it.  I bailed him out.  Now, looking back, I'm not sure why I did.  But at the time, I thought that it was my husband and the right thing to do.  That if I screwed up I'd want a second chance.  So I gave him that.  And I stood by him when the newpapers in town and other people who did not know him denigrated him in front of me.

I stood by him when he then proceeded to move in and out of our house at whim, leaving me with the boys, only seeing him when he'd pick up the boys from day camp or school before he'd take off again for the only place that he was also legally allowed to stay, at his parents.  He was also severely clinically depressed and we won't even get into how he cared for the boys while I was at work.  Let's just say the only time he was left alone with them is when I was at work and had no choice.  The boys were three and four at this point.  They didn't see anything wrong with Daddy's behaviour.  They were little kids.  And I made the choice to let him stay.

In October of 2009 he went to prison.  At first, it was really hard.  Maybe because at that point I still loved him like a spouse loves their partner.  But gradually things became normal.  In June of 2010 I went to where he was (six hours away) and took him to the halfway house he was being sent to (four hours from where he was, two hours from here).  The boys and I went down there every weekend to visit until he was able to get passes to spend the weekends with us.  I still was trying to save my marriage.  Now, I ask myself why.

In February of 2011, he was released on full parole, which he is on until October of 2013.  He came home on Valentines Day.  Brought me flowers for the first time ever, and came home with the chicken pox, courtesy of Hammad, who had them a week earlier.  For the first few weeks, things were okay, but then they rapidly started to go downhill, until June when there was a huge blowout between him and I.  I tried to work through it, but really, whether he says he was or not, I was the only one trying.  He started spending nights at his parents again.  He was back to working two jobs, both conveniently arranged for when I was home so that he wasn't.  By the time he left, I was aware of two things - he really didn't want to be here anymore, and I really did not love him the way a wife should love her husband anymore.

His reasoning for leaving is that I did not want to work on the finances with him (even though I said, after he asked if I would, I would go to a credit counselor with him and try to fix things that way, he just had to make the phone calls to find one, which he refused to do.  Apparently, not only was I to agree, I was to find someone) and that I did not keep the house clean enough for his liking - even though he was the one home between 9am and 6:30pm every day and I didn't get home until nearly bedtime for the boys every day and was tired from 8 hours on my feet.  And the vast majority wasn't my  mess but his.  He essentially told me that the house was my responsibility, his mess was my responsibility and that he grew up with his mother making sure the house was clean and he wanted a wife that worked, cooked and cleaned.  Well I am sorry - I grew up in a house where both parents did equal work, and I expect that as well, especially since I work more hours than he does.  And since he'd been home, he'd only paid two bills in that time, yet seemed to think two bills in five months was "equal contribution."  Yeah, whatever.

So when he walked out that door, quite honestly, I was done fighting for this marriage when I was the only one willing to work on it.  I was done with the stress.  I was done with constantly feeling abandoned and like a single parent even though there were two of us in the house.  I'm just done.  Honestly, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  The boys still see him every day, he picks them up off the bus as I still don't get home until 6:30 at night, though my schedule might be shifting so that I have to be at work for 7am.  And let's just say that when I said it was his turn to sacrifice and have to work a crappy shift (as I have for nearly 2 years because of his having to go to prison) he said "whatever" and drove away.  Fortunately, I have awesome parents who have said that they'll take the boys at 6:30am since my mom is already up getting ready for work, and my dad will bring them to the bus.

So, on Friday I went and began the process of getting his name taken off of the mortgage (oh, the not paying his taxes?  They now want $102K from him and are in the process of placing a lien on the mortgage.  So his bright idea is to sell the house that the boys and I live in (not him) so he can pay them off.  And he actually thought I'd sign those papers.  So because I've been the only one who's ever paid the mortgage (as is proven by the bank account that only has my name on it) I'm protecting me.  And I did not need him or his signature to do so.  Next is the process to get his name taken off the land deed.  I'll probably need his signature for that.  Though I wonder when I should tell him about taking his name of the mortgage.  Maybe when it's finalized...or maybe I'll let revenue canada give him that bit of news when they try and put a lien on it and his name is no longer there.

I've also filled out the paperwork to file for divorce, but haven't filed it because I want to talk to a lawyer first.  I have a friend that works for a women's shelter/counseling service who's told me to call her and they'll help me get papers in order for legal aid.

But yeah, it's over.  And I'm good with that.  In fact, for the first time in years?  I'm happy.


  1. "Now I ask myself why."

    Why is because you are a great person with a lot of integrity. You fought, and you fought hard to keep your marriage afloat. I would have expected nothing less from you.

  2. You have been amazing these past couple of years and beyond that even and I am happy to read that instead of falling apart you are staying strong and picking up the pieces and getting your life in order. Insha Allah you will find peace - peace of mind and peace in your life. May Allah bless you and reward you well for this huge test you have endured. Nicola xxxxx

  3. Asalaamu Alaikum

    I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I really had hope for you when you said he converted which you didn't mention here. I thought it was a new beginning for both of you. I find it really suspicious about the trailer and other house. The first thing that comes to mind is infidelity although he seemed to be using it for his drug sales? But maybe it was also a grow op? I sure do hope he can pay some child support but it looks like after all his taxes being paid there won't be anything left. I know someone is a similar position and they never got a dime out of the guy but instead his parents tried to take away her kid! Do you have any rights to the house in town? Wouldn't that be better for the kids? Well your lawyer can help you with all these details but after the dust settles you will have to deal with all your raw emotions. I divorced my first husband so I know all the stages one goes through. You will probably feel a sense of relief though. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who is acting suspiciously and that energy needs to be channeled somewhere else like towards yourself and the kids.

    Allah is the provider so don't worry too much about finances but remember to take care of yourself and allow yourself some time to let off steam and kick up your heels after the dust settles. May Allah replace your loss with something better and heal your heart and keep the ties of kinship between your kids and their dad and give you justice. Amin.

  4. I love you and am praying for you (as I always have). You are a wonderful mother and friend and you were a wonderful wife too. The problems within your marriage were not because you didn't uphold your vows or try to keep your marriage afloat. The problems were from him. You are not stupid for trying. You are a loyal wife who tried everything in her power to make her marriage work, just as you should have. Don't condemn yourself for his mistakes!

    I am always here and always praying for you. I love you and am so happy to know that I have such a beautiful friend who is so loving and giving of herself.

  5. Alice, I am just now getting to reading this. There have been times I cannot believe the strength you possess...then I read this and realized I didn't really know anything about strength and really had no clue of everything you had been through these past few years. You have tried in times when many would have walked away. You have believed in something many would have wondered ever existed to begin with so long ago, and you have held together a family because you are a wonderful woman. If you ever need a friend, I am here.

  6. You don't know me, but I remember you from SC. Congrats on your new found freedom and happiness.