Monday, 5 March 2012

Faking It

I was putting this blog together in my head this morning, in a bad place in my mind. I'd been there for a few days, but today was the first day I'd had to fake it.  But I do so much faking it.  At what point do you just stop faking it and let things happen?

I'm afraid to stop faking it.  I'm afraid to stop pretending things are fine.  Why?  Because I'm afraid of what the results will be.

I'm afraid to stop faking that things are fine and let myself feel everything because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop crying.  Or screaming.  Or throwing things.  I really want to scream and throw things.  Not really the best way of dealing with anything.  But that doesn't mean I want to.

I'm afraid that if I stop faking it then I'll loose my kids, because the people with the power to do that are already involved and are afraid that I am going to suddenly start feeling things.  And I wonder at what point they're going to realize I'm a total fraud?

I'm afraid to stop faking it because I am the only stable parent my kids have.  And in this situation, stable is a relative term.  Really, I'm not.  But I have to be.  I have to be for them.  Because without me, what do they have?  And I do not mean permanently out of their lives.  I mean, if they were taken from me, what are they left with?  If I leave them, even if it was to get help, what do I leave them with?  The thought that they now don't have both their dad and their mom?

I told someone today that if we still had short term disability in our contract that I would be seriously considering asking my doctor to hospitalize me until my medication was sorted out, because it's obviously not working properly.  But we don't and I'm the only one supporting my family.

A lot of days start out faking it.  Often by the end of the day I feel fine.  But some days I don't.  Some days I do a lot of faking it.  Other days I do hardly any.  But it just feels like, lately, I'm doing more and more faking it.  Pretending everything is just fine when in reality it's all falling down around me.  But like I said, I'm also terrified to quit faking it.  For people to see the reality.  To loose friends because they can't handle the reality that is, for the moment, me.

Someday I hope to be able to stop faking it without being terrified of completely and utterly falling apart.  But right now, I just don't see that happening.  


  1. Oh man...If I were there, I'd take your boys for a bit. I think you really need some time for yourself. You've been through SO much. Do you have anyone that you trust to take the boys for a weekend?? Then you can scream and cry and throw things and take a bath and sleep in the afternoon and get yourself (a little) sorted so that you can be centered enough to get back to your boys.

  2. i know exactly how you feel! a lot of days have felt like this. im glad that i know someone else is feeling how i have felt. and i must say im soooo sorry that you are going through it now. if there is anything i can do. even just to take the boys for a day please let me know!