Saturday, 14 April 2012

Anger (and an update on Declan)

I was told yesterday that I am "intense" and "angry" by the psychiatrist that I was sent to see by one of my counselors.  And I had no problem seeing a psychiatrist.  And I completely agree with the fact that I can be intense.  In fact, when I said that to my mother she laughed and said I was like that before I was born.  And when I mentioned it to someone else that has known me for 25 years he also laughed.  So yes, I can be very intense.  And sometimes that can be helpful.  But the angry part?  Don't I have a right to be angry?

Don't I have a right to be angry that my life is no longer my own nor will it be for the foreseeable future?

Don't I have a right to be angry that two people who were supposed to be "family" tried/are trying to rip my family apart because they don't like me?

Don't I have a right to be angry because my life was drastically changed by something not of my own doing?

Don't I have a right to be angry because my husband walked out on me with no explanation?

Don't I have a right to be angry because I have a son who needs help and no one seems to want to give it?

Yet, it seems like "the professionals" don't seem to think that I should be angry.  You see, I see two different counselors.  One is for working through the depression.  That's the one that had me to the psychiatrist yesterday.  The other is working through the relationship issues.  Children's Aid wanted me to see her in regards to the domestic violence that has taken place over the years.  One is too many times, but I will say this - it was rare.  And I was an active participant in each one, verbally assaulting him, which is just as bad as physical attacks.  And yes, part of it is dealing with my issues.  However, the DV counselor that I see through the local women's shelter did say what I was thinking - how can professionals such as psychiatrists not understand how someone in the position I'm in is angry?  It's like he just didn't get it.

I thought I'd dealt with a lot of this anger.  I thought I was past it.  And then the CAS worker was in for their monthly visit yesterday and I was given a set of paperwork with the "goals" they had for me to do.  Apparently mine are different from Stephen's except for three.  Anyhow, mine (unlike Stephen's) have the history of everything back to December.  And they have the names and claims of the "anonymous call" back in January.  yes, I said names.

See, my first inclination on who it was that made these claims was half correct.  It was my mother in law.  And not only was it my mother in law, it was my father in law.  Not only did they make claims about the state of my house (which at times have been unfortunately more close to that than I'd like to admit) they apparently had pictures that my sister in law took when she was in my house without my knowledge.  This is an issue that has been dealt with.  But this wasn't just an "anonymous call."  Oh no - they didn't call.  They actually drove over to the CAS office half an hour away to give them these pictures.  And not only did they make claims against my faith practice (and noticeably absent was the fact that Stephen had also converted nearly two years before this).  Oh no - they also said I was angry and violent and they feared for my children's safety.  Uh, what?  Even at my worst moments with Declan I am nothing but calm.  Eye rollingly calm sometimes.  I have never laid a hand on those children in anger.  Nor would I.  Nor would I to any child.  And I'd hope person in general.  It's one thing to take your anger out on an inanimate object (as their claim was based on.  A claim they even said was done in 2006.  It's 2012.  I mean - really?  They say I'm angry but they're holding on to their anger for six years to use it against me?)  But I'm sorry - I have the right to be angry that two people who are supposed to love and care about my children as their grandparents attempted to have them removed from their mother.  I have the right to be angry that they've told lies about me.  People that should have supported their son in his marriage instead filled out divorce papers on his behalf.  Told him to leave me and forgot the boys and I ever existed.  Told him to never get back together with me.  Blame all of this on me.  I'm not the one that broke the law.  I'm not the one that walked out on his wife and kids.  But somehow, in their world, I'm to blame for everything and Stephen is blameless.  I often wonder what colour the sky is in their world, cuz it's definitely not blue.

But for the moment, CAS has this element of control.  Even though I'd be fine with the boys going for overnight visits with their dad, CAS is not.  They said they need reports on his mental health status first.  Fine.  But I don't have to like it.  I'm more annoyed by this than angry.  But I just don't like letting other people have control.  I am, as has been stated before, a control freak, and I completely admit it.  Anyone that's known me for any length of time will acknowledge that.  I had been getting better about that, but then all this started and yeah...not so much anymore.

We won't get into Stephen walking out on me.  He wants to get back together.  I told him it would be at minimum three years of me seeing continuous, positive change.  He knows what he needs to do.  Or at least he should.  And we'll leave it at that.

We won't rehash the details of how we ended up where we are today.  I think we've gone into that enough.  But the anger about my son... That, however is new.

For anyone that followed my old blog on living with Declan, you'll recall that Declan has been diagnosed severe ADHD, ODD and a severe anxiety disorder.  He's also gifted.  We are now on our third different medication.  The first worked for awhile and then stopped working.  The second worked but gave him such severe headaches that he was coming home from school in tears most days.  Finally, after spending March Break with him I took him off of them and e-mailed his paediatrician and told him that we just couldn't keep going that way.  So we are now on our third medication, which seems to be working well with little side effects.  But Declan has other issues.

Maybe it's everything that's gone on in his short life that's done it or maybe those issues would be there if they hadn't.  Declan has nothing positive to say about himself.  No matter what he does, he will only call himself stupid, dumb, idiot and a freak.  When I asked him why he thought he was a freak he told me that it is because he finishes all his work before everyone else in the class so there must be something wrong with him.  He claims that no one in school is calling him those names and honestly I believe him.  But maybe I'm wrong.  But he also says he wishes that he was dead and his life is awful.  Two weeks ago he, in a fit of anger at his brother, attempted to hurt himself by jumping out his second floor bedroom window.  The only reason he didn't make it out is because Camden got between him and the window.  Whether he really wanted to hurt himself or he just wanted his brother to pay attention to him I don't know.  Either way, he scared Camden and he scared me.  I spent the next hour laying in bed with him, trying to calm him down, not leaving him because I didn't know what he'd do if I left him still worked up.  I made a bunch of phone calls the next day.  One to our CAS social worker to let her know what was going on (because getting in trouble later for not informing them was the last headache I needed).  And one to a child psychologist with whom I had a meeting with a week later.  Both told me that if it happened again I needed to take him straight to the hospital.  Anyway, the psychologist gave me a referral to CPRI in London, which is an agency that deals with children's psychiatric issues among other things.  But then I went to try and get my insurance to cover the $350 for the initial visit and I lost it at that point.  Not on them.  I was polite.  I know the person on the phone isn't the one who makes the rules.  But still...  Apparently, according to the insurance, I needed to take him to my family doctor before the psychologist.  So I have to wait for two months to get my child help now?  Because when I checked, the closest appointments they are booking are the end of May.

I don't get it.  I just don't get it.  Your child is having a serious mental health crisis and you're supposed to wait two months to get a referral to get him help?  I love my son.  I would move heaven and earth to get him the help he needs.  But they're definitely not making it easy.

But in all of that, I truly don't get one thing.  Why do people think that I don't have the right to be angry?

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